The journey of grief

The journey of grief

(Par Alan D. Wolfelt)



The death of a loved one changes our lives forever. And the transition from “before” to “after” is almost always long and painful. My own experiences and those of the thousands of afflicted people I have worked with over the years have taught me that it is not by timidly confronting your pain that you overcome it, but rather by confronting it, sometimes obliquely, sometimes head-on.


I also learned that grief is an important part of the journey. There is an important distinction to make. Grief is what you think and feel after the death of a loved one. Grief is the expression of these thoughts and feelings. Grieving someone is an act of active participation. We are all saddened by the death of a loved one, but to overcome our grief, we must also mourn their loss.


You will likely encounter six “give in signals” during your time of grief – I call them the “reconciliation needs” associated with grief. Because although your pain is an intensely personal, unique experience, all grieving people must meet this set of essential human needs to overcome their grief.

Need #1. Recognize the reality of the death

The first need to satisfy during grief is to gently confront the fact that a loved one will never again be a part of your life.


Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, it may take you weeks or months to fully accept your loss. To survive, you will at times try to deny the reality of the death. You will tend to think back to the circumstances of the death and compare your memories, good and bad. This process is an essential part of grieving. You will feel like every time you talk about the event, it becomes more real.


Remember – this first need, like the next five, will require sporadic attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself and you will be better able to satisfy them.

Need #2. Accept the pain associated with loss

It is essential that we accept the pain associated with our loss; However, this is something that we naturally refuse to do. It is easier to ignore, repress and deny pain than to confront it and, yet, it is by confronting it that we learn to accept it.


Accept the pain associated with your loss. You will probably find that you need to express your pain “in small doses.” In other words, you can't (and shouldn't try) to do it all at once. Sometimes you will need to forget the pain associated with the death, and other times you will feel the need to create a safe environment that will help you accept it.


Unfortunately, our culture encourages us to deny pain. If you express your feelings of pain, uninformed friends will advise you to “keep living” or “have courage.” On the other hand, if you remain “strong” and “control your emotions”, you will be congratulated for handling your pain so well. In reality, tolerating pain well means knowing it well.

Need #3. Remember the deceased

Can you have a relationship with a dead person? Obviously. You have a relationship based on memory. Precious keepsakes, dreams reflecting the importance of the relationship, and items that connect you to the deceased (including photos, keepsakes, etc.) are some of the things that attest that the relationship may continue in a different form . To satisfy this need, you must allow and encourage yourself to continue this relationship.



Some might try to eliminate your memories. To help you, they will encourage you to remove all photos of the deceased. They will tell you to keep busy or even move. But I know that memories of the past allow us to have faith in the future. Your future will open up to new experiences to the extent that you accept the past.

Need #4. Develop a new identity

Your identity comes in part from the relationships you have established with other people. When someone you had a relationship with dies, your identity – your view of yourself – naturally evolves.


From “wife” or “husband” you become “widow” or “widower”. You were a “parent” and you became a “bereaved parent”. Your definition of yourself and how society defines you has changed.


A death often requires you to take on the tasks that previously fell to the deceased. After all, someone has to take out the trash, buy the groceries. In fact, you confront your new identity every time you complete a task that was once the responsibility of the deceased. This can be very difficult and exhausting work.


Sometimes you will feel like a child trying to come to terms with your new identity. You may experience increased dependence on others as well as feelings of distress, frustration, helplessness and fear.


Furthermore, many people discover the positive aspects of their new identity during their grief. For example, you might become more confident, become more compassionate, kind and sensitive, or gain a new confidence that will allow you to continue living despite your feelings of loss.

Need #5. Try to discover meaning

When a loved one dies, we question the meaning and purpose of life. Satisfying this need will likely require you to re-examine your philosophy of life and your religious and spiritual values. Asking yourself “how?” " and why? », you will try to restore meaning to your life.


“How could God allow this? » “How did it happen now, this way?” » Death reminds you that you do not control your destiny. It can make you feel helpless.


The person who died was part of you. His death means you lose something inside and outside of you. At times you will feel extreme sadness and loneliness. You will feel that the death of this person killed something in you. And now you must give meaning to your life even if you often have a feeling of emptiness.


This passing also requires you to confront your own spirituality. You will doubt your faith, and you will face spiritual conflicts and questions. This is all normal and part of the journey to a new life.

Need #6. Continue to receive support from others

The quality and quantity of support you receive will have a major influence on your ability to cope with your grief. You can't do it alone and you shouldn't try. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, other mourners, or professional counselors is not a sign of weakness but a healthy human need. Because grieving is a process that takes time, this support must be available for months and even years after the death of a loved one.


Unfortunately, because our society emphasizes the ability to “keep living,” “have courage,” or “keep busy,” many bereaved people are abandoned soon after death. “It’s over”, “it’s time to continue living”: these are the kinds of messages that the bereaved receive. It is clear that these messages encourage someone to deny or repress their pain instead of expressing it.


To be truly helpful, those in your support network need to understand the impact this death has had on you. They must recognize that to overcome your grief, you must be allowed – encouraged even – to mourn the death of the deceased long after their death. They should also encourage you to view grief not as an enemy but as an experience you live through because you were loved.

Reconciling with your grief

You may have heard – or you may believe – that your grief will go away when you get over it. But this is not the case. People don't get over their grief.


I prefer to use the term reconciliation to describe the gradual acceptance of the need to continue living without the physical presence of the deceased. Reconciliation leads to a renewed energy and confidence, an ability to fully accept the death and begin to take charge of one's life again.



In the context of reconciliation, the intense and pervasive pain associated with unhappiness gives new purpose to life. Your sense of loss will never completely disappear, and yet it will lessen and the intense bursts of pain will become less frequent. Hope for a future life will manifest itself in commitments to the future; you will recognize that the deceased will never be forgotten but that you can and must continue to live.

Share by: