The funeral process

The funeral process

Funerals are much more than just a time when family comes together to honor the life of a loved one. They are an integral part of the grieving process. The following resources are articles written by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, an internationally renowned author, educator, and grief counselor. These articles explain the importance of funeral rites and the needs of the bereaved, while explaining how a family can personalize a funeral service in a meaningful way.

Why funeral rituals are important

(Par Alan D. Wolfelt)

Rites are symbolic practices that help us, our families and friends express our deepest thoughts and feelings about major life events. Baptism celebrates the birth of a child and the child's entry into the church family. Birthday parties honor the passing of another year in the life of someone we love. Marriages publicly affirm the private love that two people share.

Funeral rites are a public, traditional and symbolic way of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and emotions regarding the death of a loved one. An ancient practice and imbued with symbolism, funerals help us recognize the reality of death, pay homage to the life of the deceased, promote a mode of expression of pain consistent with cultural values, offer support to the bereaved, allow for them to embrace their faith and beliefs about life and death and offer continuity and hope to survivors.

Unfortunately, our culture avoids mourning and, to a large extent, has forgotten these essential purposes of funerals. As an educator and counselor of the bereaved, I am deeply concerned that individuals, families, and ultimately society as a whole will suffer if we do not give due importance to the funeral rites that they deserve. This article examines the benefits associated with lost funerals as a result of the tendency to reject symbols.

I have found that a good way to explain the goals of authentic funerals is to place them in the context of the “reconciliation needs associated with grief,” what other authors call the “tasks associated with grief.” These needs for reconciliation are six in number and, in my opinion, they are of capital importance in consoling one's grief. In other words, bereaved people who meet these needs with the love and compassion of those around them are better able to accept their grief and continue to enjoy life.

Here's how an authentic funeral helps meet the six reconciliation needs associated with grief.

Need #1. Recognize the reality of the death

When a loved one dies, we must openly acknowledge the reality and finality of the death in order to overcome our grief. Generally, we accept this reality in two stages. First, we accept death rationally; we learn of the death of a loved one and, intellectually at least, we understand the fact of death.



Over the next few days and weeks, and with the understanding of those around us, we begin to emotionally accept the reality of the death. Meaningful funerals can be a wonderful starting point for the rational understanding of death. Intellectually, funerals teach us that a loved one has now passed away, even if we have previously denied this fact. When we call the funeral home, schedule the funeral, plan the funeral, identify the remains, and choose clothing and jewelry for them, we cannot avoid recognizing that the person has died. As the coffin is lowered into the ground, we witness the finality of death.

Need #2. Accepting the pain associated with loss

As recognition of the death progresses from rational to emotional acceptance, we begin to accept the pain associated with the loss – this is another need that the bereaved must satisfy in order to heal. Expressing our thoughts and pain is a healthy way to grieve, and healthy funerals allow us to do that.



People tend to cry, and even sob and wail, at funerals because they force us to focus on the death and the often very painful feelings we have. For an hour or two – longer for mourners planning the ceremonies or receiving visitors at the funeral home – those attending the funeral are unable to intellectualize or detach themselves from their pain. Fortunately, funerals are an event where the expression of grief is accepted – it is perhaps the only occasion where the expression of sadness is accepted in our society.

Need #3. Remember the deceased

To console ourselves for our grief, we must move our relationship with the deceased from the physical plane to that of memory. Authentic funerals encourage us to begin this progression because they allow us to reflect on the times (good and bad) we shared with the deceased. Like no other time before or after death, funerals invite us to focus on our past relationship with that person and share our memories with others.

At traditional funerals, the panegyric (eulogy) highlights the main events in the life of the deceased and the main characteristics of the latter. The eulogy helps the bereaved because it tends to elicit more intimate, personalized memories. Later, after the ceremony, many mourners will informally share their memories of the deceased. This sharing is also significant. During our mourning, the more we can “tell the story” of the death, of our memories of the deceased, the more we will be able to accept our grief. In addition, sharing memories at funerals confirms the importance we attached to the deceased and legitimizes our pain. Often, the memories that others share with us are memories that we didn't know about. We thus discover other aspects of the deceased's life that we can cherish forever.

Need #4. Develop a new identity

The development of a new identity is another imperative of mourning. We are all social beings and our lives are defined in relation to the people around us. I am not only Alan Wolfelt, but a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a friend. When someone close to me dies, I define myself differently.



Funerals help us acquire a new identity because they allow us to have our new roles publicly recognized. If you are the parent of a child who dies, the funeral marks the beginning of your life as a former parent (in the physical sense; this relationship will always be present in your memory). People who attend funerals are actually saying, “We recognize your new identity and we want you to know that we still care about you.” » On the other hand, in the absence of a funeral, the social group does not know how to treat the person whose identity has changed and they are often socially abandoned. In addition, the presence of supportive friends and relatives at the time of the funeral helps us realize that we continue to exist. A comment that mourners often make illustrates this question of identity: “When he died, I felt like I was losing a part of myself. »

Need #5. Try to discover meaning

When a loved one dies, we naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. Why did this person die? Why now? Why this way? To overcome our grief, we must first accept it by asking these kinds of questions. In fact, “why” questions help us decide whether we want to continue living before we decide how we are going to continue living. There is no need to find a definitive answer. It’s having the opportunity to think (and feel) that matters.



More fundamentally, funerals reinforce a central fact of our existence: we are going to die. Like life, death is a natural and inevitable process. (North Americans tend not to recognize this fact.) Therefore, funerals help us make sense of the life and death of the deceased, as well as our life and impending death. Every funeral we attend is in some way a rehearsal of our own.

Funerals allow us, as individuals and as a community, to express our beliefs about life and death. The practice of funerals demonstrates that death matters to us. For the living to continue to live as fully and healthily as possible, this must be so.

Need #6. Continue to receive support from others

As we mentioned, funerals are a public way to express our beliefs, thoughts and emotions regarding the death of a loved one. In fact, funerals are a public opportunity to offer support to others and to be helped to cope with grief, both during and after the funeral. Funerals make a social statement that says, “Come and support me. »

Whether they realize it or not, those who decide not to have a funeral are saying, “Don't come and support me. » Funerals also allow us to show our support. Unfortunately, our society is not demonstrative, but at funerals we are “allowed” to kiss, to touch, to comfort. Once again, words are inadequate and we show our support non-verbally. This physically manifested support is one of the main aspects of the healing promoted by timely funeral rites.

Finally, and quite simply, funerals are a meeting place for the bereaved. When the deceased or their family is close to our hearts, we try as much as possible to attend the funeral. Our physical presence is the most important manifestation of our support for survivors. By attending a funeral, we tell everyone present that we share their grief.