Self-healing

Helping yourself when you lose a loved one

A loved one has died

(Par Alan D. Wolfelt)



You are now faced with the painful but important need to grieve. Grief is the open expression of thoughts and feelings about the death and the person who died. It is an essential part of healing. You begin a journey that is often maddening, painful, challenging and sometimes lonely. This article offers practical suggestions to help you cope with your grief.

Know that your grief is unique

Your grief is unique. Everyone expresses their pain in their own way, and your experience will be influenced by various factors: your relationship with the deceased person; the circumstances of the death; your emotional support network; and your cultural and religious background. These factors encourage you to mourn the lost person in your own way. Do not try to compare your experience to that of others or make assumptions about how long you will grieve. Instead, consider a “day by day” approach that will allow you to grieve at your own pace.

Share your pain

Express your grief openly. By sharing your pain, you will console yourself for your grief. Ignoring it won't make it go away; but if you talk about it often, you will feel better. Don't be afraid to express your emotions, don't be too rational. This does not mean that you lose control of yourself or lose your sanity. This is a normal part of your grief.


Find friends or relatives who will listen without judging. It is not a question of preceding you or following you, but of accompanying you. Avoid those who criticize or try to take away your grief. They might say “courage!” », “keep living” or “be happy”. These comments are certainly made in good faith, but you are not obligated to accept them. You have the right to express your grief; no one can deprive you of it.

Expect to feel a multitude of emotions

Loss affects your head, heart and soul. This is why your grief will be marked by a variety of emotions: confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or strong emotions. These emotions will sometimes come in rapid succession or occur simultaneously.



As strange as they may seem, these emotions are normal and healthy. Learn from it. And don't be surprised if, suddenly, you experience pangs of grief, even at the most unexpected moments. These impulses can be maddening and make you feel helpless, but they are a natural response to the death of a loved one. Find someone who will understand your feelings and allow you to talk about them.

Accept the torpor

People who lose a loved one often experience numbness or numbness. This torpor plays an important role: it allows your emotions to get in tune with what your brain already knows. Additionally, it helps isolate you from the reality of the death until you are more able to accept what you refuse to believe.

Recognize your physical and emotional limits

Your feelings of loss and grief will likely make you tired and prevent you from thinking clearly and making decisions. Additionally, your lack of energy will slow you down. Respect the imperatives of your body and mind. Be kind to yourself: rest every day, eat balanced meals, reduce your workload as much as possible. Self-care is not about feeling sorry for yourself, it's about simply surviving.

Establish a support network

It is not always easy to turn to others and accept their support, especially when you are in great pain. But the most compassionate act you can perform during these difficult times is to establish a support network of sensitive friends and relatives who will provide you with the understanding you need. Find people who will encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings – whether happy or sad.

Use the rites

Funeral rites do more than acknowledge the death of a loved one. They give you support from loving people. But most importantly, funerals give you a way to express your grief openly. By eliminating this rite, you risk repressing your feelings and depriving everyone of the opportunity to pay tribute to a person who has been and always will be loved.

Embrace your spirituality

If you are a believer, use ways that you feel are appropriate to express your faith. Surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If the death of a loved one makes you angry with God, know that this feeling is a normal part of grief. Find someone who won't criticize your feelings of pain and abandonment.

Try to make sense of the death

You may ask yourself, “Why did he die?” Why this way? Why now? » This search for meaning is a normal part of the healing process. Some questions have an answer. Others, no. In reality, it is the asking of questions that heals, not the answering of them. Find a supportive friend who will lend a listening ear as you try to make sense of the death.

Cherish your memories

Memories are one of the most precious legacies after the death of a loved one. Cherish them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories will make you laugh or cry. Whatever the case, they are the lasting testimony of the relationship you had with this person you cared about so much.

Accept and overcome your pain

To be able to love again, you must mourn the death of your loved one. If you don't express your pain openly, you will be unable to heal. If you deny it, you will make it more confusing and overwhelming. Accept and overcome your pain.


Resigning yourself to your pain takes time. Remember: pain is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant of yourself. Remember that the death of a loved one will change your life forever. This does not mean that you will never be happy, just that you will no longer be the same person you were before the death.



Grief is a powerful experience. The same can be said for your ability to heal. By accepting your grief, you move towards new challenges, new achievements.

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